TATTOO THIS PAINTED SKIN IS IN!

By Lee Degenstein

Don’t you wish you had dollar for every person you saw with a tattoo? If you did, you’d be very rich! Estimates are that between 45 and 50 million Americans have at least one tattoo. The American Academy of Dermatology, reports that 24 percent of people between the ages of 18 and 50 are tattooed. In addition, there are currently two television shows on two different cable networks about tattoos. The word “Tattoo” according to internet search engines Google, and Yahoo has been in the top five most requested items on the internet since 2002. On a personal note, I am happy to report that my Batman tattoo washed off then I was seven.

So why has nearly 20 percent of the US population gotten a tattoo? Back in the 1930’s and 40’s most tattoos were worn by soldiers. In many cases this was the result of our GI’s “over serving” themselves while on shore leave. That has all changed in 2006 but why? Experts believe tattooing allows people to broadcast to the world what they are all about. Others call it sign of rebellion or a rite of passage. Many think it makes them look and feel sexier. Batman never did that for me!

Tattoos are big business. In 2006 one new tattoo parlor opens every day in this country. A recent article in U.S. News and World Report said that tattooing was the sixth fastest growing retail venture of the 1990s, right behind Internet, paging services, bagels, computer and cellular phone service.

The demographics of tattooing are pretty interesting. The website www.vanishingtattoo.com writes, “what your mother may have told you about who has tattoos is true: people who drink, do drugs, have been jailed or forgo religion are more likely to be tattooed”. By the way the politically correct phrase for a tattoo is Body Art.

For the record, getting a tattoo is a violation of both Jewish and Muslim law as its considered desecration of the body. Finally these two sides agree on something, too bad its body art!

The Harris Poll (will they stop at nothing?), breaks down the tattoo world as follows. The highest incidence of tattoos was found among the gay, lesbian and bisexual population (31%) and among Americans ages 25 to 29 years old (36%) and 30 to 39 years old (28%). Regionally, people living in the West (20%) are more likely to have tattoos. Democrats are more likely to have tattoos (18%) than Republicans (14%) and Independents (12%) while nearly equal percentages of males (16%) and females (15%) have tattoos. Republicans are more likely to eventually regret getting a tattoo. Surprise, Surprise Surprise.

Among Americans with tattoos, 34% said having a tattoo has made them feel sexier. Fortunately, more tattooed females (42%) feel this way than males (25%). Additionally, those with tattoos said that having a tattoo has made them feel more rebellious (29%) while others said a tattoo makes them feel more attractive (26%). Maybe I should have gotten a Superman tattoo!

Those are pretty astounding numbers. What I never understood was why guys insist on tattooing a woman’s name on their body. A tattoo that reads “Roxanne” looks great while you are still with Roxanne, but what happens if you break up? I guess you have the choice of finding another girl named Roxanne or, have a really good explanation for the next woman in your life.

Then there are the people who for some reason insist on having Chinese or Japanese writing emblazoned onto their bodies. When you ask them what it means, they say something like “serenity”, “peace love and joy” or something similar. Wouldn’t it be great if they asked a Chinese or Japanese friend to proofread these tattoos? Can you imagine the look on their faces when they discover that their tattoo really reads “This Space For Rent” or “Eat Sushi Live Longer” or Eat at Ming’s Garden”?

I recently saw a picture of a young woman who had the Cadillac logo tattooed on the small of her back. I couldn’t help but think won’t she look silly getting in and out of a Lincoln?

Decorating skin is definitely in, and I guess it is here to stay. About 30 percent of those tattooed regret doing so. Sure many of us have thought about getting a tattoo at some point in our life. Most of us resist the temptation. What ever happened to swallowing goldfish? I always thought that made a pretty big statement

Now having said all of this, I wonder how these tattooed people are going to feel about their tattoos when they reach their 60’s and 70’s. Maturity, aging and above all gravity may change their feelings. For example, remember that little robin your girlfriend had affixed to her left breast? I’m betting that in 40 years it will look more like a buzzard. That little daisy stamped on her stomach, will most likely resemble Sherwood Forest. Did they say sexy and more confident? Don’t you think that 75 year old man at the beach with the skull and cross bones tattooed on his back is going to look and maybe feel just a tad ridiculous? Then again maybe not, if his name happens to be Rocky or Spike.

Tatts all folks!

© Copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein
All rights reserved.

POPEYE ON HUNGER STRIKE AFTER SPINACH RECALL!

By Lee Degenstein

“He’s strong to the finish ‘cause he eats his spinach, he’s Popeye the sailor man!
I guess that doesn’t hold true this week. What will America’s favorite pipe smoking sailor be eating this week? I hope it’s not the usual. Olive Oyl better stay indoors for a few days, just in case she gets into trouble and has to depend on the 911 system like the rest of us.

Of course our country is in panic mode again because of the E. coli outbreak due to the bagged or “ready to eat” spinach situation. The nation’s news media both print and broadcast is doing what they do best. They are taking advantage of a bad situation for us and making it work well for them. I’ll bet you a bag of lima beans that we see a spinach leaf on the cover of at least one national magazine this week.

Since word of this bad batch of spinach broke Thursday afternoon, CNN, MSNBC and FOX just to name a few, have actually shown graphics that read something like “Spinach Scare, Spinach Recall (I thought that only happened to Fords!) Spinach Update”, and my personal favorite, “Panic in the Spinach Patch”.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to make light of this situation, but “Panic in the Spinach Patch”? Come on guys give me a break! Aren’t they pushing this a bit too far? Can you see the national scandal sheet headlines in your supermarket’s checkout lines next week? “Spinach eater sues Popeye’s creators for bad nutritional advice”!

Most of America’s spinach is grown in California, our most populated state and the one with the most electoral votes. It will be interesting to see how the political powers that be on the “Left Coast” handle this situation. How soon will it be before we see Governor Arnold is stuffing his mouth with spinach leaves to help out the spinach farmers and producers?

I couldn’t help but think that if this were a broccoli scare, the nation’s 41st President George Herbert Walker Bush might have improved his legacy a bit.

Since most reporters are dealing with the spinach situation in the traditional manner, it gives me the opportunity to look at a part of this story that would never occur to most sane people. My question to the experts is, what are we going to do with all this recalled spinach?

I presume we are talking about several tons of the green stuff. If that’s the case, there’s plenty of supply for my new worldwide spinach marketing campaign. Since there is no time for me to produce an infomercial here are a few get rich quick overnight ideas for you to consider. You could make spinach shampoo, spinach soap, spinach cigarettes, spinach wallpaper, or spinach kites.

Rather than use this as a quick cash opportunity, I prefer to give my tainted spinach away for free. After all, charity begins at home or in the spinach patch as the case may be. I can think of several recipients right off the bat and as an added bonus solve some of today’s worst problems.

Why not send the spinach to the Middle East and feed it to the insurgents in Iraq? You know sort of like holding out an olive branch out to them. Then there’s Al Qaeda, I am sure they could use some green vegetables in their training camps. However there is this one guy at the top of my list. He is usually seen wearing white robes and a gray beard, stands about six feet four inches tall, lives in the mountains, carries a dialysis machine and likes to make tapes. Please save some for him!

If there is any left, we can always make a couple of hundred thousand spinach soufflés, crepes or quiches and drop them over that country in Europe who seems to never cooperate with, or for that matter even likes this country. You know the one I mean, they have that really tall steel tower in the center of their largest city!

Fear not, our friend Popeye will survive this crisis. After all he has survived four wars, persistent attacks from Bluto as well as constant heartache from Olive Oyl. Maybe she should learn how to cook for him!

Finally if any of your friends or business colleagues have enrolled you in the spinach of the month club, I would take them off your Christmas, I mean holiday card list!

© copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein.
All rights reserved

NB: THIS ARTICLE WAS ACTUALLY PUBLISHED A MONTH AGO BUT I RECENTLY POSTED IT TO MY BLOG

POT AND ALZHEIMER’S STRANGE BEDFELLOWS

By Lee Degenstein

Medical science and medical news never cease to amaze me. If you are patient enough, what was once deemed bad for your health often times turns out to be good for your health. For example eating fish was once thought to be a detriment in that it contained high levels of mercury. Aspirin, eggs, coffee, wine and even chocolate were all once on the forbidden list. Over time the “experts” changed their minds, and in some instances they have done it a couple of times on the same product.

Now it seems that those pot smoking hippies of the 60’s and 70’s may have the last laugh. A study released this week at Ohio State University indicates that those stoners may find themselves pretty lucid in their old age.

Ohio State Medical Center’s Dr. Gary Wenk reports that his research has shown that some of the anti-inflammatory compounds found in marijuana may actually slow the memory loss often associated with Alzheimer’s disease. The research also showed that marijuana use could actually slow the progression of Alzheimer’s.

Now before you drop this article and race off to find your local pot dealer, the research has only been conducted on laboratory rats. According to Wenk a PhD, old rats were given a synthetic form of Marijuana. In laboratory tests the rats that were injected with the synthetic marijuana were able to navigate their way through a maze more easily and quickly than their pot free counterparts. Old rats, like old people tend to get lost and easily confused. It’s not known whether the rats were allowed to listen to the Rolling Stones or the Grateful Dead during the tests.

At the annual meeting of the Society of Neuroscience Wenk noted, “This is not going to cure Alzheimer’s disease, but it’s going to help a lot because by reducing inflammation we’re going to rescue some neurons – we’re going to help you not decay so fast.”

Wenk went on to say that the big job for medical science will be to come up with a compound that reduces brain inflammation without triggering a high. Wenk, whose research on this subject was funded by the Government said, “You can’t add a high onto dementia. You are going to just make the patient more impaired.”

For those wondering, Dr. Wenk is no crackpot, in fact his credentials are quite impressive. He is a Professor of Physiology and Neuroscience and Molecular Virology, Immunology and Medical Geriatrics at Ohio State University and Medical Center. He is also considered to be a leading expert on neuropsychopharmacology and has also been published numerous times.

Dr. Wenk commented, “There’s this fear that as Baby Boomers get older, there’s going to be more and more people with Alzheimer’s. It may be we’re surprised by the fact that this illicit compound used decades ago, might alter how people get diagnosed.”

The baby boomer generation has traveled in the words of Paul McCartney, “the long and winding road”. Along the way they became hippies, then yuppies (young upward professionals), and dinks (double income no kids). Now they are entering senior citizen phase of their lives. Hopefully, these golden years will be a far cry from their Acapulco golden years.

It’s interesting to note that one of the side affects of marijuana use was thought to be memory loss. Before I forget what I am writing about, it appears that medical science has once again reversed its opinion on a long held belief. I am still waiting for science to give the green light to cigarettes and red meat. Undoubtedly I have a long wait on my hands. However it must be comforting to many, that getting wasted (on pot) may not have been a complete waste after all.


© Copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein.
All rights reserved.

IS EVERYONE HERE YET?

By Lee Degenstein

If you have the feeling that things are getting a bit crowded lately, you are getting the right feeling. Experts at the Census Bureau report that on Tuesday October 17th, 2006 at approximately 7:46AM (EST) the population of the United States of America will hit the 300 Million mark. I’ll get to how they arrived at that figure in a minute, but it’s obvious what some Americans have been doing in their spare time.

I can just see that battle being drawn up as to who the 300 millionth baby will be. I wonder if number 300 million will get any special prizes. Do you think Jay Leno or David Letterman will be interviewing him or her? I wonder if companies like Proctor and Gamble will be donating diapers for life as a publicity stunt. I am sure the good folks at Gerber will jump on the bandwagon with an endless supply of mashed bean sprouts for the record breaking baby. Maybe Harvard will throw in a free 4 year college education.

When I first saw this story on one of the wire services I couldn’t help but think how does the Census Bureau know that the 300 millionth kid will be born at 7:46 AM? Actually the answer as I discovered, is quite simple. The Census Bureau estimates that one person is born every seven seconds and one dies every 13 seconds. My first thought was that I should have been an obstetrician or an undertaker rather a writer. My third career choice should have been an immigration attorney. The Bureau estimates that a person immigrates to this country (legally or otherwise) every 31 seconds.

Just in case you were wondering, we hit the 100 million mark in 1915 and the 200 million mark 39 years ago November 20th, 1967. Now that I think about it, things do seem a tad more crowded lately. The pace of America’s growth rate is expected to pick up. The people counters at the Census Bureau estimate that the USA will reach over 400 Million people in 35 years that’s four years faster than it took to manufacture the last 100 million people. Must be all those organic vegetables and fast food we are eating.

There are some other interesting facts I found in research for this story. In 1915 the size of the American household was 4.5 people today it’s 2.6 people. Does the IRS allow a deduction for .6 of a person? In 1915 you could purchase a new home for $3,200 ($64,158 in 2006 dollars). Today the price is $290,600.

Back in the day of 1915 a gallon of gas cost about 25 cents ($5.01 in 2006 dollars), today the average price of gas is about $2.50 depending on where you live. In 1915 a gallon of milk cost $ .36 cents gallon ($7.22 in 2006 dollars), today that same gallon costs roughly about $3.00.

In 1915 there were a mere 1.8 billion people on the planet. Today there are 6.5 billion, talk about making good use of your spare time! In 1915 there were 4.5 million people 65 years of age and older, today there are 36.8 million. Then the average life expectancy was 54.5 years and today its 77.8 years. In 1915 only 23 percent of women worked today the number is about 59 percent. Unfortunately they are still paid way less than their male counterparts.

In spite of all this growth the nation’s military is shrinking. In 1915 there were about 174,000 active members of the military. By 1967 that number had grown to 3.4 million and this year the military’s population has dipped to 1.4 million active members.

Whoever number 300 million turns out to be, it is a certainty that he or she will be born into a vastly different country than number 200 million arrived in back in 1967. Our world is more complicated, less safe, more crowded. On the positive side, life is better and easier in many respects thanks the many advances in science, technology and medicine. Some choose to look back to 1967 as the good old days. I choose to look forward and hope that our best days still lie ahead of us. Welcome to the world number 300 million and to its best country in it, The United States Of America!


© Copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein.
All rights reserved

GENES MAY BE LESS IMPORTANT IN DETERMINING YOUR LONGEVITY

By Lee Degenstein

I woke up in a pretty good mood last Thursday morning, that is until I opened up the New York Times. No, I wasn’t looking at the editorial section but rather the health and science section. It was there that this new day suddenly took a sharp turn for the worse. The lead article was entitled, “Live Long? Die Young? The Answer Isn’t Just In Genes”. More on that thought in a moment.
When we were kids we thought we would live forever, remember? The reality of life changed all of that as we grew older and presumably wiser. Nonetheless, my family has a pretty good gene pool. As I have mentioned previously in this column, members of my family seem to live for a long time, mostly to annoy the other members of the family.

My grandmother and grandfather on my mother’s side lived until 94 and 92 respectively. My Grandmother on my father’s side lived until she was 95. My father’s dad lived until he was only 45, but no one liked him very much anyway. My father lived until he was 96, his brother until 92 and my mother lived until she was 80. Not bad right?

So at least until Thursday morning I had every right to believe that I would be around for a while because as the saying goes, “I came from good genes”. The New York Times article may have put a damper on that theory.

About 30 years ago most experts, and for that matter non experts, believed that a good environment had a lot to do with how long you’re your stay on this planet would be. In other words, assuming you weren’t a crab fisherman on the Bering Sea, if you had a good diet, exercised regularly, didn’t eat fatty foods and didn’t smoke, you increased your chances of a longer life Of courser common sense tells us that most of those long held beliefs are still true today.

More recently however, science has changed its mind. Are you surprised? The experts told us that if other family members lived a long time, then there was a decent shot we would stick around for a long time ourselves. This of course means that you have to avoid stepping under a bus, at least prematurely.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I always justified having that extra large piece of red meat, an extra cigar every now and then, or skipping my workout if it looked like rain (I workout indoors). The reason was simple enough, everyone in my family seemed to live so long and therefore my family gene pool must be quite good. So a little cheating wouldn’t kill me – literally!

According to The National Center For Health Studies, people are living longer these days for a variety of reasons. We are eating healthier foods, we have better medicine, we exercise and most of us don’t smoke. The most recent figures from the Center indicate that men on average live until they are 68.5 years old and women live an average of 76.1 years. By the way, what are you ladies doing to us and what are you doing after we are gone, other than celebrating that is!

Well wouldn’t you know it, by the time everyone was relying on their family genes science has changed it mind once again! Are you surprised? When are these guys going to get it right?

According to Dr. James W. Vaupel, who directs the Laboratory of Survival and Longevity at the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Rostock, Germany, says that “Life spans are nothing like a trait like height which is strongly inherited.”

Vaupel told reporters that his research showed that, “Your really learn very little about your own life span from the life spans of your parents” His studies concluded that how tall your parents are, compared with the average height, explains about 80 to 90 percent of how tall you are, compared to the average person. However, only three percent of how long you live compared to the average person can be explained by how long your parents lived.

In an interview with the New York Times, Vaupel said that twins, even identical twins, die at different times. The statistics indicate that twins usually die on average more than 10 years apart. The bottom line, he said, “is that old people can be struck down for several reasons or no reason at all. Some older people are more vulnerable than others and overall, it’s clear that the more fragile tend to die first. Yet for some reason there are those among the fragile that seem to continue to live on. Then again there are seemingly healthy people who just die suddenly.” Another study recently conducted in Switzerland seemed to bare these findings out.

Today, science and aging experts seem to be turning back to the long held belief that environment, exercise, diet, and vocation seem in most cases, to determine how long we will live rather than mom and dad’s lifespan. In other words, it’s what we do not what we came from that seems to make the difference in life expectancy.

Are you confused yet? My head is spinning from all these changes I feel like I’m watching a bad ping pong match, back and forth and back and forth. Is this the last time you science guys are going to change your minds on this one? Three strikes and you’re out!

As a result of these latest findings, it may be time for me to make some mid life corrections. Just in case science has gotten it right this time, here’s my plan for longevity. No more eating cheese steaks while parachuting. I won’t smoke in the shower. I will only cross the street when the light is green. I will only eat red meat on days of the week ending in the letter “Y” Yes, I am feeling better about my future prospects already.

I have to go now. My deadline for filing stories with my editor is Sunday morning at the latest. Today is Thursday and I have decided to get my story in early this week, just in case I am suddenly not around. I hope to be back next week, no thanks to my family’s genes!

© copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein.
All rights reserved.

GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY AND ADDICTION A NEW LINK

By Lee Degenstein

Addiction experts along with psychologists and other medical professionals are noticing a disturbing new link between Gastric Bypass Surgery and drug or alcohol addiction. While Gastric Bypass Surgery (also known Bariatric Surgery) has been around since the late 1960’s, this trend toward addiction in some patients has gone relatively unnoticed until recently.

Patients who undergo this type of surgical procedure are usually 100 pounds or more overweight. It would be fair to say that in many cases, these patients were addicted to food, and compulsive overeating. The surgery makes it impossible as well as dangerous to eat large amounts of food. The procedure involves shrinking the size of the patient’s stomach.

Addiction experts agree that the craving one has for food is very similar to the cravings one experiences for alcohol or drugs. In fact, some psychologists are calling this an “addiction transfer”. Officials at the Betty Ford Clinic in California report that about 25% of alcoholics who slip or relapse, often switch to a new drug such as cocaine or opiates. Some post-op gastric bypass patients once addicted to food often switch to alcohol, or other drugs.

New research also points to findings that the biochemical causes of over eating are quite similar to those found in patients who suffer alcohol or drug addiction.

What’s making matters worse for some gastric bypass patients is that according to researchers, after Bariatric Surgery the body metabolizes alcohol in a different way thus making it more powerful with stronger affects. While this phenomenon doesn’t affect all bariatric patients, it has been found to be evident in patients who have undergone certain versions of the surgery.

According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, more than $1.4 billion dollars was spent last year on obesity research. Much of this money has been spent in an effort to come up with a compound that would treat multiple types of impulse control disorders simultaneously. The market for such a drug would be enormous say industry observers.

Some drugs like Zyban, which has been found to be effective in smoking cessation, are being tested on patients with overeating, gambling and alcohol dependency. Zyban, is manufactured by Glaxo-Smithkile

Cross addiction is a problem for many people with addiction issues. It’s been found that many people who abuse alcohol also abuse other drugs like cocaine, amphetamines or opiates.

The incidence of addiction for patients who undergo gastric bypass surgery differs greatly depending on who you ask. A recent article in the Wall Street Journal indicated that according to Phillip Schauer, Director of Bariatric Surgery at the Cleveland Clinic, only about five percent of patients who undergo the surgery end up with addiction problems. However at U.S. Bariatric, a weight loss surgery center in Orlando Florida, estimates of addiction in patients are nearly 20 percent.

Melodie Moorhead a leading psychologist, who recently spoke at the annual meeting of the American Society for Bariatric Surgery, said her research showed that nearly 30 percent of Bariatric Surgery patients experience difficulty with new addiction issues. Researchers say that one possible reason for the disparity in these numbers is that addiction issues can surface several years after the surgery is performed, when surgeons are not tracking these patients so closely. The high caloric content of alcohol is one reason given for its misuse among those who may have previously suffered from overeating disorders.

The science of addiction is evolving each day. People who suffer with addiction issues are not seen as being weak willed or bad people. More evidence points to biochemical issues in an addicted person’s brain. As more is uncovered about the brain’s addiction pathways researchers are beginning to believe that switching addictions (like overeating to alcohol use) has a neurological basis.

Today, many Bariatric Surgery Centers will screen perspective patients as to their alcohol and drug use habits prior to surgery. If evidence of these impulse control or addiction disorders is found, patients may be turned away from the surgery. More information on Gastric Bypass or Bariatric Surgery and addiction, can be found on the internet or on sites such as www.wlscenter.com .

copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein.
All rights reserved.

DRUNK IN THE CITY & IN THE COUNTRY TOO

By Lee Degenstein

THE PROBLEM
By the time today is over, more than 7,000 children under the age of 18 will have had their first drink. Studies indicate that if a child has his or her first drink under the age of 15, their chances of becoming alcoholic later in life increase five fold.

Two years ago in New York City alone, 44% of all reported homicides according to the NYPD were alcohol or drug related. The figures in other large cities in America are pretty much the same. Alcohol dependence accounts for approximately 100,000 deaths per year in the United States.

The cost of alcohol dependence in this country is nearly $185 billion in direct and social costs per year. More than 70% of that cost is attributed to lost productivity. The numbers are similar for drug dependence.

So how many Americans are alcohol dependent? According to the National Council on Alcoholism, more than 18 million are alcohol dependent but only 2.4 million have been diagnosed with the disease and just 139,000 receive medication to treat it. The same data indicated that there are between 5.5 and 6 million Americans who are addicted to drugs. If you are getting the feeling that we have a big problem in this country, you have gotten the right feeling.

IT’S A DISEASE
I just used the word disease. Simply stated, alcoholism is a disease. Since 1956, the American Medical Association has categorized alcoholism as being a disease. Even so, more than 62% of Americans incorrectly think alcoholism is a moral weakness issue involving people with no willpower. Most feel it’s just a case of bad people doing bad things. 74% of us say alcohol has affected their lives in one way or another. A staggering 25% of children in this country live or lived with one parent who is alcohol dependent or abuses alcohol. I was one of those kids. In fact, depending on the data you read, approximately 45-50% of children of alcoholic parents become alcoholics later in life. Make no mistake, this is a genetic disease.

ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC?
So how do you know if you are an alcoholic? The National Council on Alcoholism has developed a 26 question test which will help you determine if you have a problem with alcohol. To see the test, copy and paste this link into your web browser, www.songdov.com/indexst.htm. Jokingly, several alcoholics who have started on the road to recovery by taking this very test say it is the only test they have ever taken where they got a perfect score. Many professionals will tell you that if you are asking yourself the question, “Am I an alcoholic”, you most likely have a problem with alcohol. Take the test to see if you have a problem. Above all be honest. You are only fooling yourself if you are not.

So what do you do if you find you have a problem with alcohol? The good news is that today, more help is available to treat alcoholism than ever before. This help comes in many forms.

GETTING HELP
Experts agree that one of the first things an alcoholic or drug addict should do is to get involved with a 12 step program like Alcoholics Anonymous. AA is celebrating its 70th anniversary this year and has helped millions of people recover from this disease. AA’s main website can be reached at www.aa.org. You can find a meeting near you on the site as well as other information about the fellowship.

While most experts agree that AA should be the cornerstone of any alcohol recovery program, for some people it may not be enough to quit drinking entirely. Another alternative is to seek medical help.

Unfortunately, according to the Rush Institute of Recovery, more than 80 percent of physicians avoid addressing alcoholism with their patients. The primary reason is that many of these professionals are not equipped to manage the disease. This stems from a lack of time, training and expertise. Many physicians still incorrectly believe that alcoholism is a psychological problem, not a medical problem. Most physicians again wrongly believe that willpower alone can correct the problem. Most medical schools today spend little or no time addressing alcoholism or drug addiction.

If your family physician can’t help, the next step is to locate an alcohol detox or rehabilitation center near you. While facilities like Hazelden in Minnesota and The Betty Ford Clinic in California are probably the best known, there are literally thousands of these facilities in America today and there is one near you.

One such treatment center is the Parallax Center in New York City. Founded in 1984 by Dr. David M. Ockert, Parallax uses a multi pronged approach to treat alcoholism. Dr. Ockert has found that by using a combination of medication, one to one psychological counseling, and support from a 12 step program, a person’s chances of recovery is multiplied several fold.

While most Americans are not aware of it, drugs do exist to treat alcoholism. The best known of these drugs is Antabuse (Disulfiram) , which has been around since 1949. Antabuse discourages drinking by making the drinker feel nauseated if he or she continues to drink. In other words, if you are taking Antabuse and drink you will get sick to your stomach.


Another medication, Re Via (Naltraxone), which has been available since 1995, blocks the high or reinforcing effects of alcohol.

The newest drug on the alcohol cessation market is Campral (Acamprostate Calcium). Alcohol is believed to have wide-ranging effects on the chemicals in the brain. Excessive long-term use of alcohol can actually disrupt the balance of the brain's chemistry.

When a person stops drinking, his or her brain reacts to the absence of alcohol by sending out signals of stress and agitation. Campral is believed to help restore the chemical balance and prevent the feelings of discomfort associated with not drinking. Many people taking Campral report they spend much less time thinking about drinking. Campral, in combination with counseling and a 12 step support group, makes it easier for people not to drink.

Dr. Ockert maintains that in many patients, the combination of Antabuse and Campral, along with psychological counseling and a 12 step program vastly increases the patient’s chances of succeeding in their battle against alcoholism. Ockert says that just taking these medications without counseling or a 12 step program is like trying to build a house using only a hammer. You need all the tools available to get the best result.

It’s important to note that just using medication often times does not work. If a patient stops taking the medication they will most likely be right back to where they started. These medications do not address the emotional and often times psychological damage that occurs in alcoholism. In some cases if treatment stops drinking habits could and often do worsen. Remember, alcoholism has been determined to be a biological disease of the brain which translates into an obsession of the mind. The point is that without a 12 step group or professional counseling, medication alone will in most cases not fix the problem.

CONCLUSOIN
For many people afflicted with this disease, the battle against the bottle is a matter of life and death. Studies indicate that if left untreated, alcoholism will most likely kill or at the very least ruin the lives of those who suffer from it. This disease not only destroys the life of the drinker but that of the surrounding family as well. Help is there for those brave enough to seek it before it’s too late. Recovery occurs one day at a time. It’s a matter of life or death.

© copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein.
All rights reserved.

WILL YOU LIVE ANOTHER FOUR YEARS?

By Lee Degenstein

Earlier this week the Journal of The American Medical Association released a simple 12 question test which will determine your chances of living another 4 years. Perhaps you read about it or saw it on the evening news.

According to Dr. Sei Lee, a geriatrics researcher at the San Francisco Veterans Affairs Medical Center, the test was designed “to help doctors and families get a firmer sense of what the future may hold, and to help plan health care accordingly”. Dr. Lee helped develop the test.

The test is based on data which involved 11,701 Americans over the age of 50 who took part in a national health survey in 1998, and was funded by the National Institute on Aging. Researchers analyzed the participants outcomes over a four-year follow-up. They based their death risk survey on the health characteristics that seemed to predict death within four years.

According to Dr. Lee the test is 81% accurate and “can give older people a reasonable idea of what their survival chances are.”

This test is not without controversy. Several researchers are already saying the test is flawed. While it asks if you are a smoker, it doesn’t ask what your eating habits are. However it does ask if you get tired when pushing a chair across a room but it didn’t indicate how much the chair would have to weigh.

This is the kind of test where the lowest score wins and no studying is required. If you want to take the test click on this link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11354108 .

However in our continuing effort to be of service to our readers this reporter has come up with 12 questions (and a bonus question) which may more accurately determine your chances of near term survival.

1) How often do you hunt with the Vice President of the United States?
2) Do you play bocce ball with members of organized crime?
3) Do you fish for Alaskan king crab on the Bering Sea?
4) Do you parachute with former President George H.W. Bush?
5) Have you ever tried to leap over the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle?
6) Do you travel on the New York City subway system late at night with money sticking out of your pockets?
7) Do you cross the street when the traffic light is still red?
8) Do you smoke while refueling your car or truck?
9) Have you ever been told to take a long walk off of a short pier?
10) Have you ever stuck your head in the water three times and only taken out twice?
11) Do you play golf during thunder and lightening storms?
12) Have you ever been a professional wrestler?

BONUS QUESTION
Have you ever ridden in a car or had cocktails with any member of the Kennedy family?

Now I realize that these questions are not medical, in nature but if you can answer “yes” to three or more of these questions it is suggested that you seek professional help, change your habits and above all discontinue strenuous outdoor activities.

© copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein.
All rights reserved

ARE YOU LOSING YOUR PATIENCE? THE LIGHTER SIDE OF STRESS

By Lee Degenstein

America is running out of patience! It’s been said, “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” but almost all of us do. So what do we get in return? A little agitated, frustrated and above all stressed out. 50 years ago people didn’t talk much about stress, not that it didn’t exist, we just didn’t know much about it. Nor did we use it as an excuse for everything. “I’m sorry dear I am a little stressed out today, permit me to remove my fist from your mouth!”

A lack of patience leads to frustration which off course leads to higher levels of stress. In many cases you can’t really do anything about what is frustrating you in the first place, and that’s stressful. Take the following situations for example, have they ever happened to you?

You go into your local convenience store to pick up a small bottle of water for a buck. You get in the checkout line, only to notice there is a man ahead of you holding a small piece of paper. The man is calling out every possible combination of numbers known to mankind for his weekly lottery tickets. You’re in a hurry and three things occur to you. A) You just want to give the man $20 so you can get out of there. B) You want to politely inform this guy that his chances of being struck by lightening while bowling are better than winning the Power Ball Lottery! C) You give him your best “prison stare” , throw your dollar on the counter and storm out of the store. You are losing your patience!
OR
You are late for an appointment but realize you have no cash. You go to your local ATM machine. The person in front of you is taking more time than suits you. As you get more frustrated three things come to mind. A) This person can’t read, B) It’s the first time the person has ever used an ATM machine, or C) the person is trying to take out a second mortgage on their house by using the ATM! You are losing your patience!
OR
You are in the “10 items or less” express checkout line at the supermarket. Your three year old wants every piece of candy in the rack and is now making a scene. All you want to do is get him in the car and shut him up. You notice the lady in front of you has somewhere in the neighborhood of 18 (because you’ve counted them) items, a mere 8 more than is allowed under international supermarket law. You politely mention this fact to her and she asks you if you are with the food police. The lady’s order is totaled up and she is now rummaging through her tattered change purse for the 98 cents in exact change that she has to find. You are not impressed by her nickel and penny collection she just dropped on the floor! You are losing your patience!
OR
You are finally on your way home from the super market but suddenly traffic is at a standstill. That tractor trailer which seems to follow everyone has jackknifed once again. You haven’t moved in ten minutes and the idiot behind you seems to be testing out his horn, like it will really make a difference. Of course the loud horn has awakened your three year old who is now crying louder than ever! You are losing patience……and your mind!
AND FINALLY
You are on vacation to relieve your stress. After a long wait, you have made it through security after being ordered to practically undress in front of the TSA agent and everyone else at the airport. Everyone is pointing as well as looking at you and whispering. You finally board the plane. The guy in front of you can’t get his bag into the over head bin because it’s basically the size of a steamer trunk. The line behind you is now backing up into the terminal and not moving. Junior (your kid not husband) informs you he has to go to the bathroom because of course he didn’t go before he left home. Naturally, the flight attendant formerly known as the stewardess, is no where to be found. Where are those Federal Air Marshals when you need them? You are losing patience!

Can you relate? I think you get the point. In many instances, stress arises over things we have no control over like traffic, other people’s driving skills or the lack thereof, weather, politics and life in general. Experts agree that the best way to deal with stress is to change the way you react to things. Of course that’s easier said than done. Who are those so called experts?

According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, who are experts, signs of stress may include: difficulty communicating thoughts, difficulty sleeping, difficulty maintaining balance, easily frustrated, Increased use of drugs/alcohol, limited attention span, headaches/stomach problems, disorientation or confusion, difficulty concentrating, depression, sadness, and feelings of hopelessness, just to name a few.

SOME TIPS FOR DEALING WITH STRESS:
· Don't worry about things you can't control.
· Prepare to the best of your ability for events you know may be stressful,
· Try to look at change as a positive challenge, not a threat.
· Work to resolve conflicts with other people.
· Ask for help from friends, family or professionals, talk to someone
· Set realistic goals at home and at work.
· Exercise on a regular basis, learn Yoga, meditate
· Eat well-balanced meals and get enough sleep.
· Get away from your daily stresses with group sports, social events and hobbies
I have to go now. My older son just bet my younger son that he could fill the bathtub closer to the top with more water. Guess what? He lost, and my downstairs neighbors are ringing my doorbell! X#%*^@%# !!!!!

copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein.
All rights reserved.

SOMEHOW WE MADE IT! A LOOK BACK AT GROWING UP IN THE 50’S & 60’S

By Lee Degenstein


Perhaps I am getting an early start on my mid life crisis. A few weeks ago my wife and I met with our children’s’ school teachers for our semi annual conference. After the meeting I commented on how much education has changed since I went to school. Then I started thinking about the difference between growing up then and now. I was born in 1955 and I can’t believe how many things have changed. As a parent of 8 and 9 year old boys, it dawned on me that we are bringing them up very differently than what I experienced. Then I thought how life in general has changed since I was a kid.

There are a couple of important points I would like to make at the outset. Growing up back then seemed much tougher when you compare it with the way we raise children today. Kids of that era did more on their own. We thought for ourselves, and had more freedom, more responsibility, which helped them later in life. While most people resist change, societal changes usually results in better living standards. Back then we thought we knew everything and were surprised to find out we did many things wrong. In some cases completely wrong.

In 2006 we are generally healthier, eat better, have more intellectual stimulation, grow bigger, live longer and are for the most part much safer in our everyday activities than we were 40-50 years ago. Medicine and science have made substantial advances, which has raised America’s standard of living. For our readers who didn’t grow up in that era here’s a look at what things were like. For those of us that did, here’s a look back at the way it was.

In many schools today, there is little or no competition, everybody wins, and everything is fair. Half the kids in each class have learning issues and everybody has at least one issue! When I was a kid, if you didn’t pay attention or couldn’t focus, you got slapped on the knuckles with a ruler and all of a sudden, things instantly came into focus. Back in the day, kids didn’t have issues, they were either smart or not.

Today it’s all about nurturing children, back then, the nurturing stopped when the tuition check cleared the bank. Today many of our kids are having trouble reading and writing at their appropriate grade level, but according to educators, the good news is that the kids feel good about themselves. Of course that’s crucial when you are looking for a job!

We were born to mothers that sometimes drank and smoked. Look how medicine changed that. We took aspirin, consumed regular butter, and ate tuna from the can and gobbled down red meat and we, along with our offspring have not grown up to look like Flipper. Well, at least most of us haven’t. Obviously, as we get more advances in medicine, in science and in health, old beliefs and customs change. Of course, that’s good for everyone.

We rode in cars without seatbelts or air bags. Even back in the 1950’s, auto manufacturers were reluctant to put seat belts in cars, because they thought it send the message to the consumer, that their cars were not safe. We roller skated without looking like a NHL goaltender and rode our bikes without helmets. We drank soda with sugar, ate Twinkies, pizza and tons of ice cream. Most of us were not overweight because we were always outside playing. We didn’t stay indoors playing with our Nintendos, X-Boxes, or Playstations. Surfing took place in the water, not on desks or laps. Every kid could do at least 20 push ups and 20 sit ups. Most kids today unfortunately can not.

When we came home, there weren’t 250 television channels to watch, no DVDs or VCRs, so we actually talked to one another. In fact we stayed outside all day and played and were home by the time the street lights came on. No one could reach us all day long, as there were no cell phones or pagers to carry.

We fell out of trees, broke bones and teeth and got hurt sometimes while playing at a friend’s house and there were no lawsuits. We had Little League tryouts and not everyone made the team, or for that matter even played in every game.

We were taught to respect police officers. If we got into trouble with the cops, our parents sided with the law not us and that taught us a lesson that we never forgot.

We used to date, not “hook up”. There was no “hooking up” between 12 and 13 year old boys and girls. At high school dances, the boys hugged one wall of the gymnasium and the girls hugged the other. We stayed out of the girl’s bathroom and they stayed out of ours. Boys dated girls, girls dated boys and there was no other choice.

The only violence in movies occurred when the cowboys slaughtered the Indians. There were no movie ratings, parents used common sense and somehow knew what movies were appropriate for their kids to see. We saw cartoons before each feature, not 15 minutes of commercials.

We wore clothes that fit, not apparel that was 12 sizes too big. Our pants didn’t look like we wanted to expose our rear ends to the rest of mankind. We wore our baseball hats with the brim pointed toward the front. We didn’t walk around looking like major league catchers. Young girls didn’t look or dress like hookers when they went to the mall on Saturday afternoons.

Our music, which used to really upset our parents, used words like peace and love. There was a message in music which spoke to non violence and getting along with other people. There were no “kill the cops messages” in those days, no gangster rap. Music was music, it wasn’t X rated and it had a melody, you could actually hum the tune. It was easy to identify all the words. Ok, most of the words.

Speaking of music, we listened to records and AM radio. My kids don’t know what a record is. You would be hard pressed to find decent music on the AM band today. We didn’t have cassettes or CDs and certainly no Ipods. Technology has made a great impact on the way we entertain ourselves. The Beatles were the Beatles and were not referred to as Paul McCartney’s old band. If you wanted free music, you couldn’t download it, you had to shoplift it from the local record store.

As that great historian Bob Dylan once declared, “The times they are a changing”! Most of the changes we have in the last 50 years have afforded us a better way of living. Technology, medicine and science have all changed the world in a very positive way. We know and do things today that seemed almost unimaginable 40 or 50 years ago. The bottom line that is life is better and our standard of living is better.

However, our generation produced some of the greatest minds in history, and gave us some of the best scientists, businessmen, artists, performers, thinkers and risk takers the world has ever known. We grew up thinking and doing for ourselves, having more freedom and responsibility and dealt with success and failure on our own. Dylan was right, “The times they are a changing”, but after looking back at it all, most of the changes we have gone through, have been good for our country and good for us. Even so, somehow we made it!

© copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein.

All rights reserved

GOODBYE PLUTO WE HARDLY KNEW YE

By Lee Degenstein


This has been an exciting summer as far as news is concerned. There are continuing problems in the Middle East, the skyrocketing price of oil, the slowdown in the housing market, upcoming mid term elections, terrorism plots being foiled, long sought after alleged killers being apprehended and the “Morning After Pill” being approved for over the counter sale to name a few items..

However there is one story that broke late last week that has affected me more than the others. Remember when we were in school we were always taught that there were nine planets. Some of us who had more esoteric teachers, actually learned that there were ten planets if you counted the Asteroid Belt. I was never a big fan of that theory.

Now last week, we all wake up one morning and are being told that in actuality there are only eight planets because Pluto, the furthest planet from the sun, was being demoted to “Dwarf Planet” status. Dwarf Planet? Where’s the political correctness in that statement? Isn’t that a cheap shot at the vertically challenged among us?

Why is Pluto suddenly the red haired step child of the Solar System? What did Pluto ever do to deserve such harsh treatment from the scientific community? So what’s going on here? Apparently the International Astronomical Union has decided that Pluto no longer meets the newly revised criteria of a planet with respect to size, mass and orbit, just to name a few of the criteria. But Dwarf Status, come on guys that’s for Asteroids!

Forget about the fact that this will be a financial windfall for the schoolbook publishers who will have to rewrite all those chapters on the Solar System. Do you think those astronomers own stock in the textbook publishers? What’s going to happen to Mickey Mouse’s sidekick Pluto? Fear not Disney lovers! The Walt Disney Organization sent out a press release indicating that their Pluto was not named after the former ninth planet after all. Who wants to be named after a “Dwarf Planet anyway”?

Then there’s the venerable World Book Encyclopedia who actually stopped the presses on its 2007 edition until the Astronomers Union voted on Pluto’s status. What’s truly amazing about this is that the World Book would wait for the announcement on Pluto before it publishes, but never waits to see who wins the World Series or for that matter the elections! I guess Pluto must have been on double secret probation until the final ruling came down from on high!. This Astronomers Union obviously has some major clout, and they say organized labor is dead.

But hang on Pluto fans, I’m just getting warmed up. Did you know that earlier this year NASA launched the New Horizons Spacecraft? Why you ask? Well to explore Pluto of course! The scientists at NASA probably have enough egg on their faces to serve breakfast to everyone in the State of Rhode Island! Here these guys launch a rocket for a 9 ½ year mission to Pluto and all of a sudden in mid route, while the New Horizons Spacecraft is probably whizzing by Mars, they find out that its destination is not even a planet anymore. Do you have any idea what rocket fuel is selling for these days?

Nice work boys, maybe someone could explain why the World Book Encyclopedia knew enough to hold up their presses but NASA went ahead with a multi billion dollar space exploration project to look at a lousy asteroid?

To make matters worse, we the taxpayers shelled out billions of dollars for a mission to explore what boils down to a mass in space that lacks planet status. So as usual, I guess the joke’s on us. Couldn’t have the Astronomers Union waited a few years until we received the data back from this spacecraft? Would it have really mattered in the grand scheme of things?

Then of course there is Clyde Tombaugh. Mr. Tombaugh was the astronomer who discovered Pluto while gazing through his telescope in Arizona back in 1930. How do you think this guy feels? Unfortunately Mr. Tombough has passed on, but his widow has told reporters that her husband “would understand the downgrade of Pluto, because he was a good scientist”. Hold those residuals!

Well it looks like Mr. Tombough is a better man and scientist than me because I don’t like this change one bit. I was doing quite well in my life knowing there are nine planets up there, thank you very much. I just hope I don’t wake up one morning and find out that Wyoming is no longer a state because it doesn’t have enough people! Then let’s sit back and wait until some genius in Washington calls it the Nation’s first “Dwarf State”! Are you ready to rumble?

Most importantly, as many already know, Astrology is based on the 12 signs of the Zodiac along with the current position of the Sun, Moon and stars. Many believe that people tend to pick up qualities of planets associated with those signs. You’ll be relieved to know, as I was, that the Astrological Association of Great Britain will continue to recognize Pluto as a full blown planet with all rights and privileges. Count on our closest allies The Brits to keep cool during a most unsettling time.

One last thing, has anyone ever heard of the International Astronomers Union? Are they part of the Teamsters or the AFL-CIO? If they are, I am not going to mess with these guys! This change of Pluto’s planet status is fine by me! Kindly forget everything I just said. However, if they are not, I am going to find all my old science text books, and sell them on EBay as collector’s items.


© copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein.
All rights reserved

ON TURNING 51

By Lee Degenstein


If 40 is the new 30 and 60 is the new 40 then where do I fit in? In about 40 days, I will be turning 51. Many of us, go through all kinds of trials and tribulations over turning 50, but not me! I was never one to follow the crowd, but I am fretting a bit on turning 51.

Nearly ten years ago, I remember watching the “CBS Sunday Morning” program, as their red haired and very funny correspondent Bill Geist hosted a segment on reaching the half century mark himself. I recall thinking, you poor old guy! Well Bill, I am finally catching up to you, but by now, you must be on the wrong side of 60, you poor old guy!

When I was about 49½ (yes, I have started counting half years again), some genius in the marketing department at the AARP sent me a membership kit, so I knew my birthday must have been just around the corner. Now tell me, how did they know I was turning 50? Of course, I joined so I could get in on the AARP discount at Hertz rent-a-car. Soon after I sent in my $12.50 membership fee, I realized that all you have to do is show up with a heartbeat at the Hertz counter to qualify for a discount! Speaking of the AARP, next week, this column will take a look at whether membership in that organization is worthwhile.

When my fiftieth birthday finally came to pass, I felt it somewhat of an accomplishment, a kind of milestone that had been reached. After all, I had retired from a pretty successful career on Wall Street, I had also fulfilled a life long dream of being a radio newscaster. I have a wonderful family and more recently, I have taken up writing and absolutely love it with a passion. Most people would give their right arm for my life, and believe me, I am very grateful.

Having said all that, turning 51 bothers me a little, things are starting to change, and I am not a fan of change especially when I am involved. First of all, I don’t spring out of bed every morning like I used to. Now it seems that I “roll out of bed”, with gravity doing most of the work.

Let’s not forget about all the medication I have been instructed to take on a daily basis. Each day starts out with a small sampling of some of the best of what America’s pharmaceutical industry has to offer.

Before breakfast, I take Wellbutrin, Lexipro, Crestor Avapro and one aspirin. Let us not forget and the multi purpose vitamin and the 1000mg of fish oil, of all things. Now, does some guy actually squeeze the oil out of the fish? How do you get a job like that? More importantly, why would you want a job like that? What are the qualifications? Notice, they never tell you what kind of fish the oil comes from. So, if I am taking all this medication now, what can I expect in 15 years? By then, I’ll have to go out and buy a large funnel to swallow all my pills, just to save time. At that age, time is precious you know.

It takes me an additional 5 minutes to get out of the bathroom in the morning just to be medicated for the day that lies ahead. I really feel great, but I actually felt pretty good before I started taking this stuff. Translation, I feel no different taking it, and all of a sudden, my life is about preventing medical mishaps.

In spite of the fact that my endorphins have been jump started through diet and exercise, I have recently been diagnosed as having a touch of depression. I was told, it’s a chemical thing. Nonetheless, what do I have to be depressed about? Does this mean I am not as happy as I thought I was? Now there’s a depressing thought!

I now have a cardiologist, who I visit once a year for a stress test. Apparently, living in a New York City apartment with two grammar school aged kids, is not enough of a daily stress test to suit some people on my ever expanding medical staff.

I am starting to receive junk mail soliciting me to buy a cemetery plot now, so I can save money later. I won’t care about money later, I’ll be dead! I drive my car a lot slower than I used to. I am noticing Cadillacs rather than Porsches. I have gotten over my days of road rage and wait for the light to turn green before crossing the street. I still listen to rock and roll and don’t like rap music. I am starting to realize that the people who run for President of The United States, don’t seem so old anymore, and I still vote for the “lesser of two evils.”

I am extremely happy to report to our readers that I still don’t clap when my flight arrives at the Miami International Airport. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to remember why I went to Miami in the first place!

On an even happier note, just about everyone on both sides of my family lives a long time, mostly to annoy the other members of the family. My dad lived until 95, my mother until 80, my uncle lived until 92, and both grandmothers lived into their mid nineties. My family is like a bad summer cold, hard to get rid of. Some people leave without saying goodbye and then again, some people say goodbye, but never leave!

I actually feel a bit relieved having told you all of this. Maybe 51 won’t be so bad after all and, I do have a lot to be thankful for. But then again, after I turn 51, I will officially be in my 52nd year, and then what will I do? I guess I will deal with that next year. In the meantime, I am comforted by knowing that you’ll be there and most importantly, I am still younger than Bill Geist, you poor old guy!

NB: For those who wish to send cards, a Cadillac, a walker, or flowers, my birthday is July 23rd!

copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein.

All rights reserved.

I have Dialed But I can't Get Through

I’VE DIALED BUT I CAN’T GET THROUGH

By Lee Degenstein


If the title of this piece somehow reminds you of the television commercial where the elderly woman bemoans, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”, it’s supposed to. This week’s story is about something called IVR or Interactive Voice Response. Most of us have never heard of it, but almost all of us have experienced frustration with it.

IVR is that miserable system you get connected to when you call a large company or organization such as your telephone company, power company, wireless provider, cable operator, local government offices etc. or for that matter even the telephone operator!

These systems are starting to drive me crazy and I get the feeling I am not alone! It’s obvious that companies use these systems to save time and money but whatever happened to personalized customer service? I guess it got out sourced to India where most of these calls seem to be answered now.

Clearly one of mankind’s worst inventions, the system asks or should I say, prompts you to press number one for billing, two to hear this message in another language, three to connect to technical support and so on. My reason for calling never seems to be on their list. And speaking of the list, it usually consists of about eight choices. By the time they get to number eight, I have usually forgotten what the other choices were and either have to listen to the entire list again or frantically begin hitting the “0” key in hopes that a human will come on the line and rescue me.

If you are lucky enough to actually hear a choice that vaguely resembles the reason for your call, you press the appropriate key and begin to wait and wait and wait. You are now on “perma hold”! Then, while you are listening to that awful music on hold, which would be considered an insult to elevator music, you hear a recording that says something like, “Your call is important to us, please continue to hold”. Well if my call were that important, you probably would have answered it by now wouldn’t you?

Then after a 20 minute wait, listening to the same music and the same recording indicating how important your call is, you are finally connected to a service center somewhere in downtown Mumbai, formerly known as Bombay. The service person, who usually has some American sounding name like Chip, (but whose real name contains no vowels) asks how they may be of service. You soon realize that your specific problem is not on the computer screen that good old Chip is looking at, and your quick call for service will undoubtedly turn into a marathon of frustration. It’s not Chip’s fault that’s how he was trained. If the problem isn’t on his computer screen then it doesn’t exist.

Completely frustrated, at this point I usually hang up the phone and quickly call back. Now admit it, how many times have you called back and disguised your voice in case the same person answers the phone? You cal tell me, because I admit that I have done it, especially with directory assistance. Of course when they ask,”is this Mr. Degenstein?” I am immediately horrified, usually turn six different shades of red and hang up, only to call again ten minutes later.

We consumers have wised up over the years and discovered that on some of these systems, if you press either the 0, the star or the pound sign keys, you will be immediately connected to a service person. Unfortunately, many companies have discovered this flaw in their systems and in many cases drop your call. I guess they showed us, thank you very little! If you want to speak to a human then you’ll have to earn it by waiting just like everyone else!

I moved recently and had a problem getting my DSL service hooked up. So what else is new? When I called my internet service provider, I was on hold for at least 25 minutes. What made it all the worse, is that the recording kept telling me that many connection problems can be solved by looking at their internet site. Well if I could connect to the internet in the first place, do you really think I would be waiting on hold for 25 minutes? I wasn’t there to hear the musical offering of the day, that’s for sure.

Many of these companies ask you to input your telephone number or account number for “faster service”. Ever notice that when you connect with a human they ask you for the same information all over again? It’s on their computer screen, why do we have to repeat it again? I know, it must be that they think we need the practice inputting our information on the phone.

Just before the magic moment comes, when you are actually to be connected to a human, you get a recording that goes something like, “This call may be recorded for training or quality assurance purposes”. If these companies were really interested in improving the quality of their service, they would scrap these systems and hire more customer service people.

It’s interesting to note that when you call one of these 800 numbers to sign up for a service or open up a new account, your wait time is usually less than 30 seconds. On top of that you don’t have to input your life’s information into your phone before being granted an audience with another human being. Let’s not reward the loyal existing customers, let’s suck in the new ones with promises of unparalleled service.

Until things change, kindly continue to hold, your call will be answered in the order it was received or when our service people get back from their vacations. In the meantime, please press one if you agree, press two if you disagree, press three if your name is Chip and you live in Mumbai and press four to hang up.

Mr. Degenstein can be reached by email at: lee723@verizon.net
© copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein. All rights reserved.

A Look At the New Rules Of Flying

A LOOK AT THE NEW RULES OF FLYING
(IN AN AIRPLANE)
By Lee Degenstein

What do four packs of matches, eight screwdrivers, twelve knitting needles and a parachute all have in common? While you may be surprised at the answer, they are all objects that you are allowed to carry on a commercial aircraft! The “carry on” rules set forth by the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) have just changed again. With the holiday travel season rapidly approaching I checked out the TSA website at www.tsa.gov and here is some of what I found.

Let’s begin by looking at the rules that apply to make up and personal items. I don’t know about you but I breathed a sigh of relief when the TSA began allowing nail clippers back on board. Now one may also carry on knitting needles (as many as you want), scissors (less than four inches), corkscrews and toy weapons “as long as they are not realistic replicas”.

On the flip side you can not carry on more than three ounces of bubble bath liquid on board. Leave your non liquid lip gloss, mascara, and hair detangler at home or in your checked baggage. You can not bring more than three ounces of toothpaste on board even though the standard toothpaste tube holds close to six ounces. You are restricted to three ounces of mouthwash, but it’s OK to bring aboard three ounces of nail polish remover which in some cases is both flammable and toxic. Stewardess, I’ll have my nail polish remover on the rocks with a twist and a splash of security approved water.

What about tools? Glad you asked. You can bring screwdrivers, pliers and wrenches seven inches or less in length on board but you can not bring any type of pocket knife or letter opener. However drill bits are prohibited in your carry on bag. In spite of all of this, many airlines have returned to using metal utensils such as knives and forks and serve dinner on glass plates and serve wine in glasses. Go figure!

In the food category, you are not allowed to board with a jar of peanut butter, jars or canned vegetables, jelly, Jell-O, soup, pudding or for that matter a container of yogurt unless they were purchased in the airport’s secure section. But remember, you can have knitting needle and screwdrivers, just don’t try to stir your jar of vegetable soup with them. If you cooked it at home or brought it from there, leave it there. I always knew my mother’s cooking was lethal, I didn’t know the TSA ever ate at our house.

Just in case you were wondering, you are allowed to include in your parachute in your carry on luggage. Yes I said parachute! But according to the rules, “TSA security officers have a duty to thoroughly inspect any item that raises suspicion.” Now wouldn’t you be just a tad suspicious of someone trying to bring a parachute onto an aircraft in the first place? Just make sure they have a round trip ticket. I am sure that D.B. Cooper is smiling over this one where ever he is!

This just in, suntan lotion is not permitted in your carry on luggage. I guess there will be a lot of sun burned people on Florida’s beaches again this season. You can not pack matches in your checked luggage but you can carry on up to four packs of matches. Before you burn yourself be aware that most ointments are banned in carry on luggage.

It’s OK to bring your baseballs, footballs, basketballs and soccer balls on board an aircraft. Unfortunately there is no mention of hockey pucks, badminton shuttlecocks, Frisbees, shot puts, bowling balls or those stones used for curling. We need a ruling on Bocce balls! Mahjong tiles are acceptable as are scrabble letters so long as there are an equal amount of vowels and consonants.

I haven’t forgotten about you anglers out there in travel land. I quote from the TSA site “Fishing equipment should be placed in your checked baggage. Some tackle equipment can be considered sharp and dangerous. Expensive reels or fragile tackle such as fly's should be packed in your carry-on baggage.” Translation, if you own cheap lures or reels, put them in your checked luggage but if you have expensive lures take them with you on board. This says a lot for the agents that inspect the checked baggage.

On a more serious note, it’s easy for me to hide behind my computer and poke fun at the TSA. Anyone who has ever tried to board a plane in the last five years has experienced some level of frustration at the new security measures. The fact remains, that these measures have been put in place for our protection. It’s no coincidence that there has not been an attack on an American airliner since the inception of the TSA and these new regulations. They have a tough job and for the most part they do it well.

Finally, even though the TSA allows it, I would definitely feel uncomfortable if I saw the guy sitting next to me trying to fit his parachute into the over head bin, especially if a jar of peanut butter slipped out of his rig.

Lee can be reached by email at: lee723@verizon.net
© copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein. All rights reserved