ON TURNING 51

By Lee Degenstein


If 40 is the new 30 and 60 is the new 40 then where do I fit in? In about 40 days, I will be turning 51. Many of us, go through all kinds of trials and tribulations over turning 50, but not me! I was never one to follow the crowd, but I am fretting a bit on turning 51.

Nearly ten years ago, I remember watching the “CBS Sunday Morning” program, as their red haired and very funny correspondent Bill Geist hosted a segment on reaching the half century mark himself. I recall thinking, you poor old guy! Well Bill, I am finally catching up to you, but by now, you must be on the wrong side of 60, you poor old guy!

When I was about 49½ (yes, I have started counting half years again), some genius in the marketing department at the AARP sent me a membership kit, so I knew my birthday must have been just around the corner. Now tell me, how did they know I was turning 50? Of course, I joined so I could get in on the AARP discount at Hertz rent-a-car. Soon after I sent in my $12.50 membership fee, I realized that all you have to do is show up with a heartbeat at the Hertz counter to qualify for a discount! Speaking of the AARP, next week, this column will take a look at whether membership in that organization is worthwhile.

When my fiftieth birthday finally came to pass, I felt it somewhat of an accomplishment, a kind of milestone that had been reached. After all, I had retired from a pretty successful career on Wall Street, I had also fulfilled a life long dream of being a radio newscaster. I have a wonderful family and more recently, I have taken up writing and absolutely love it with a passion. Most people would give their right arm for my life, and believe me, I am very grateful.

Having said all that, turning 51 bothers me a little, things are starting to change, and I am not a fan of change especially when I am involved. First of all, I don’t spring out of bed every morning like I used to. Now it seems that I “roll out of bed”, with gravity doing most of the work.

Let’s not forget about all the medication I have been instructed to take on a daily basis. Each day starts out with a small sampling of some of the best of what America’s pharmaceutical industry has to offer.

Before breakfast, I take Wellbutrin, Lexipro, Crestor Avapro and one aspirin. Let us not forget and the multi purpose vitamin and the 1000mg of fish oil, of all things. Now, does some guy actually squeeze the oil out of the fish? How do you get a job like that? More importantly, why would you want a job like that? What are the qualifications? Notice, they never tell you what kind of fish the oil comes from. So, if I am taking all this medication now, what can I expect in 15 years? By then, I’ll have to go out and buy a large funnel to swallow all my pills, just to save time. At that age, time is precious you know.

It takes me an additional 5 minutes to get out of the bathroom in the morning just to be medicated for the day that lies ahead. I really feel great, but I actually felt pretty good before I started taking this stuff. Translation, I feel no different taking it, and all of a sudden, my life is about preventing medical mishaps.

In spite of the fact that my endorphins have been jump started through diet and exercise, I have recently been diagnosed as having a touch of depression. I was told, it’s a chemical thing. Nonetheless, what do I have to be depressed about? Does this mean I am not as happy as I thought I was? Now there’s a depressing thought!

I now have a cardiologist, who I visit once a year for a stress test. Apparently, living in a New York City apartment with two grammar school aged kids, is not enough of a daily stress test to suit some people on my ever expanding medical staff.

I am starting to receive junk mail soliciting me to buy a cemetery plot now, so I can save money later. I won’t care about money later, I’ll be dead! I drive my car a lot slower than I used to. I am noticing Cadillacs rather than Porsches. I have gotten over my days of road rage and wait for the light to turn green before crossing the street. I still listen to rock and roll and don’t like rap music. I am starting to realize that the people who run for President of The United States, don’t seem so old anymore, and I still vote for the “lesser of two evils.”

I am extremely happy to report to our readers that I still don’t clap when my flight arrives at the Miami International Airport. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to remember why I went to Miami in the first place!

On an even happier note, just about everyone on both sides of my family lives a long time, mostly to annoy the other members of the family. My dad lived until 95, my mother until 80, my uncle lived until 92, and both grandmothers lived into their mid nineties. My family is like a bad summer cold, hard to get rid of. Some people leave without saying goodbye and then again, some people say goodbye, but never leave!

I actually feel a bit relieved having told you all of this. Maybe 51 won’t be so bad after all and, I do have a lot to be thankful for. But then again, after I turn 51, I will officially be in my 52nd year, and then what will I do? I guess I will deal with that next year. In the meantime, I am comforted by knowing that you’ll be there and most importantly, I am still younger than Bill Geist, you poor old guy!

NB: For those who wish to send cards, a Cadillac, a walker, or flowers, my birthday is July 23rd!

copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein.

All rights reserved.