LETTERS FROM SANTA

By Lee Degenstein
December 2006

Yes my friends, you read the title correctly it really does say letters FROM Santa. During this most festive time of year we are treated to those adorable letters from children to Santa Claus, detailing their Christmas wish list.

However, many people are not aware that Santa answers all of those letters. My contact at the United States Postal Service sent me the following examples.

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. – Love Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the reindeer fart when riding in the sleigh. You want to do Santa a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch instead
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you really see us sleeping and do you really know when we are awake like in the song? - Love Bobby

Dear Bobby,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do! I am skipping your house this year! - Love Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year! Please, please, please PLEASE can I have one? - Love Jeffrey

Dear Jeffrey,
That whiney begging garbage might work with your parents but that crap doesn’t work with me. You are getting a sweater again – Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a really good girl this year. The only thing I ask for is peace, love and joy for everybody in the world. Love Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked a lot of pot before they had you didn’t they? - Santa

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer – Yer Frend Bill

Dear Bill,
Nice spelling! You are well on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging’ book so you can learn how to read and write. By the way, I am getting your older brother a Space Ranger, at least he can spell. – Santa

Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this but all I want for Christmas is for my mommy and daddy to get back together again. Please see what you can do. – Love Jamie

Dear Jamie,
Look, your father has been banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he is really going to give that up to come home to your frigid mother who is constantly riding his ass? It’s time to give that dream up it ain’t going to happen. How about I get you some nice Legos instead? - Love Santa

Dear Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? – Love Marky

Dear Marky,
First of all stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you are getting your ass whipped at school. Second of all, you don’t live in a house you live in a Section Eight low rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. - Love Santa

There you have it a look at how Santa handles some of the million of letters he receives each year. The lesson here is be careful what you wish for you may get something completely different.

NB: While I would like to take credit for the letters I can not as they were written by someone else, I just had to share them with you. LD

Lee Degenstein has covered the financial markets for print and broadcast media for more than 15 years. Mr. Degenstein was also the news director and morning anchor at two major radio stations in New Jersey. He has been a reporter/contributor to United Press International, The Associated Press, The Mutual Broadcasting System and New York 1 News. A winner of the Associated Press award for 'best business story' he lives and works in New York City. Mr. Degenstein can be reached by email at: lee723@verizon.net

© Copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein.
All rights reservedwww.leereports.blogspot.com

WANT A GIRLFRIEND? GET A DOG!

December 2006

I love watching dog owners get together on the street, it’s like a meeting of some secret society. After the butt sniffing ritual has been completed (usually by the dogs), they often times ogle over the other person’s dog. Now you and I know that deep down they are saying to themselves how much cuter and dare I say well behaved their dog is.

My friend Steve has a dog named Sonny. Sonny, is a King Charles Cavalier and is among the cutest and most obedient dogs I have ever seen. When I am hanging out with Steve and Sonny I have watched this amazing phenomenon play itself out time after time. Many women for some reason love guys with cute dogs, it seems like they flock to them. Well I say let the flocking begin!

Perhaps they love the dogs more than the guys, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that this is a great way to meet women. Instantly, my many years of Wall Street experience kicked in. I kept thinking there is a business in all of this! Then the light bulb went on. Dog rental!

Being single again, I am starting to think like a single guy (talk about regressing). It occurred to me that if owned a dog, perhaps even I could meet someone. Now owning a dog is a big responsibility. In many ways a dog (or any pet) is like an infant, you have to do everything for it including walking, feeding, combing, loving etc.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could actually rent a dog for just an hour or two? By renting, you get all the benefits of dog ownership with none of the responsibility! You could parade around the streets or the parks while showing off your four legged chick magnet, I mean pooch. Within minutes you are bound to meet someone. If nothing happens, there’s always the two dog approach.

I have even begun working on an ad campaign for this new endeavor.

“Friends, are you having trouble meeting someone? Are you tired of the bar scene? Do the personals in Craig’s list and internet dating services always let you down? Come to “Deggie’s Doggie Rental”. For only $25 per hour you can walk the cutest canines in the city and meet a mate! At Deggie’s Doggies Rental, you can pick from the cutest breeds and our wide selection almost guarantees that you will meet someone. New dog renters get a free Zip Lock plastic bag for your first walk. Every tenth rental is free and long term leases are always available. Call now operators are standing by 1-800-DOG-DATE”

Not bad right? I think this is a definite winner, in fact franchises will soon be available. I just had a horrible thought though, what if all those girls were looking at Steve and not Sonny after all?


Lee Degenstein has covered the financial markets for print and broadcast media for more than 15 years. Mr. Degenstein was also the news director and morning anchor at two major radio stations in New Jersey. He has been a reporter/contributor to United Press International, The Associated Press, The Mutual Broadcasting System and New York 1 News. A former winner of the Associated Press award for 'best business story' he lives and works in New York City. Mr. Degenstein can be reached by email at: lee723@verizon.net©
copyright 2006, Lee Degenstein.
All rights reserved
www.leereports.blogspot.com